“um… water for me, thanks.”

It’s bad enough that I’m as socially awkward as I am. Not drinking just makes it more obvious.

It’s difficult to put into words how much I abhor alcohol. I can understand it on a small level — a drink at a wine and cheese, or a glass of champagne to celebrate something — where I will generally at least hold a glass and pretend to sip it. Still I wonder what’s so great about this vile tasting stuff when some tea would do just as nicely.

Meghan called me an old man yesterday because I ordered Earl Grey at the Route One.

Once I said to somebody that I just didn’t like the taste, to which he replied, “Buddy, it ain’t about the taste.” Well, more accurately “budddaaaae, i’ ainnn aboo the taast”, through glazed over eyes while tripping over a chair. At least that was my impression.

Considering anything with alcohol immediately costs twice as much as any other drink you care to name, tastes infinitely worse, and does nothing but embarrass people when it does anything at all, why would I want to drink it?

In the interest of full disclosure, there was one bottle of champagne a certain somebody and I shared that has the distinction of being the only alcoholic drink I have ever had that was, actually, not bad. I maintain that it was a complete fluke.

The reason I bring all this up is that there is a particular person running in the current provincial election who I once had to drive home, drunk off their ass, from a neighbour’s party. My mom claims that having the sense to ask for a lift should give them some points, but to me the impression is bad enough that I just don’t think I can bring myself to vote for them. Harsh, maybe, but such is the nature of my discontent.

Random FAQ Comments (7)

7 Responses to “I’ll have some dihydrogen monoxide, please.”

  1. David says:


  2. David says:

    but, also…


    fuck beer. it’s so nasty.

  3. GP says:

    Sangria is fruit punch ruined by wine.

  4. lambic says:

    I always find it hard to believe when someone says “I don’t like the taste of alcohol”. It seems like such a wild generalization. There are so many types and flavours of alcohol that it doesn’t seem possible to hate all of them.

    I like beer but I don’t like American beer. I like single malt whiskey but I can’t stand blended. I like vodka but I don’t like sambuca. I like dry white wine but I don’t like sweet. I prefer a vodka martini to a gin one. Amaretto is the nastiest stuff ever. I like Coke but I don’t like ginger ale.

    Try a Pimms and lemonade, the least offensive alcoholic drink ever.

  5. GP says:

    Alcohol is alcohol, and the various types and flavours are things added on top to mask the taste. Even if the method of making the drink (from grapes versus from potatoes, for example) changes, the underlying alcohol is the same. I’ve tried many types and flavours and I haven’t had one that I genuinely liked. Most are vile. The ones that are anywhere near good are only that way because they succeed in hiding the taste of the alcohol with something else. Why would I pay twice as much for something I can’t taste anyway? (And for the love of God don’t say it’s for the mental effect — that’s the LAST thing I want.)

    This is the other side effect of telling people that I don’t like the taste — they immediately try to offer new and unusal kinds that they think I will like. I appreciate the thought behind it, but there’s still the fact that I don’t want to drink in the first place.

  6. Charley says:

    Does this mean you won’t vote for me when I run for prime minister?

  7. GP says:

    Yes Charley, but for entirely different reasons. Those reasons being just one, that that being that you refuse to spell colour properly.

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