I’m sitting in my office on a Sunday afternoon. I’ve watched several hours of youtube videos and eaten lots of junk food, but haven’t written a single word on my thesis. My todo list is down to 46 things, though, which means I’m moving in the right direction.
I feel like I don’t what I’m feeling. Let’s stick to the facts.
Three months ago there was flooding and an explosion in the parking garage, and my apartment building has been evacuated as a result. I’ve been staying in a hotel since then, and will be here for at least another month. I’m not paying for it thankfully (otherwise I’d be sleeping on someone’s couch) but it isn’t home.
I had a bunch of people over last night. I was nervous about what we’d actually do, because hosting people always makes me quite apprehensive, worried whether people will have a good time, but I think it went well. We didn’t go for a swim despite suggestions along those lines, but opted instead for playing Cards Against Humanity and Taboo. Both brought by friends.
I’ve been trying to make an effort to build friendships with people I like when I can. It’s not an easy thing for me to do. And I always worry about doing too much or not enough, about saying the right thing, about being someone others want to be friends with in the first place. It may be silly but these are the things that go through my mind. Last night was a bit of an experiment in combining two sets of friends who haven’t met before. I’m happy they seemed to get along even if it started a bit awkwardly. I’m hoping that was in my imagination.
Meanwhile, I’m rowing now for the summer, with the same crew I finished last summer with. It’s been a rocky start. There is a lot of politics at the club, and there’s apparently some idea that we’re a “renegade” crew, despite the fact that it was the program coordinator last year that broke us off into “Steam 2″ without any oversight. So we did with that what we could, and I think did well despite that. So far, though, it hasn’t been great. The stress of writing a thesis is not helping, I’m sure.
There is a lot changing in my life right now. My living situation, being single, finishing my degree, looking for a new job soon, trying to build a comfortable social circle, trying to keep fit, trying to know what I want and what isn’t worth it. And all the stress that comes along with all of that.
My mind is like a heavy hand
Always making more of what really happened
A critical imagination
Always working over time
– Katie Herzig, Free My Mind
Now I’m down to 45 things.