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It’s an odd feeling wanting to be friends with someone, wanting to have close friends, and not knowing what to do about it. Feeling that anything I do is simultaneously too much and too little. Unwelcome and appreciated. That I’m somehow doing everything wrong whether I actually do anything or not. Half the time I don’t even know my own feelings or what I want to do let alone anticipate how someone else is thinking.

I probably worry about these things too much. That’s probably part of what makes me worry. It takes a long time for me to reach a point where I feel comfortable and natural in any situation, and not just making friends. In doing anything.

I think that’s why I’m drawn to a sport like rowing; I just have to act, do the same thing, focus on making this one movement, and not second guess anything. Catch, drive, fast hands, recover, catch. Sure I might not do it right and the coach is out there judging me, but they and I both know what it should look like and how to correct it.

Catch, drive, fast hands, recover, catch. Talk to someone. Invite them to do something. Share interests. Spend time together. Be yourself. Catch, drive, fast hands, recover, catch. Miss the catch and you don’t get a good drive. How do I catch again?

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